I want to say at the outset that if you’re reading this because you’re hoping I’ll give details about the Les Hughey situation, I’m not doing that. There are ongoing investigations that I will be part of, and we will let those run their course.
I do, however, have words right now. Mostly words of gratitude.
- To Garth Stapley, the journalist for the Modesto Bee, that worked on the original story for months and has continued to share the stories of those of us that were victimized: thank you hardly begins to express how we all feel. Journalism protects when others can’t or won’t. You have done the job with accuracy, compassion, and integrity. Please continue the good fight.
- To Tracy Epler and Jennifer Roach and all the other women from Modesto: you are a portrait of courage, grace and tenacity. We are sitting where we are now because of you. God has used you in our lives and in the lives of countless others. May your own justice and healing come full circle.
- To the churches who knew and covered this up (again investigation ongoing but those who didn’t speak when they should have know what they did): you were wrong, it was evil, and you allowed a child abuser to roam free and abuse others. I’m not sure yet what punishment fits that crime. My flesh tells me one thing, but my Jesus tells me to temper that so I will. The anger I have towards you literally threatens my very sanity. That’s my battle. You’ll have your own. And yes, I am praying for you. Through gritted teeth, but I’m doing it anyway. Not because of you, because of the God I serve.
- To all who came to faith because of Les: This does not diminish what God has done in your life. A man has let you down, but God has not. Several of you have reached out to me questioning your very salvation. Please fight that with every fiber of your being. Because if you allow this horrible evil to cloud your faith story, the evil wins the battle. NEVER the war, but the battle. Your faith is precious and the good that God has done in your heart was always about Jesus and never about a man who works in his name. EVER. It will be hard, but hang on to the good. Release the evil and the pain, and cling to the good like your life depends on it.
- Finally, to my husband: Scotty, you are working through your own pain here and I get that. You have loved me well for 28 years but never have I felt more supported then in the last few days. You have listened to me for hours, brought me french fries (so many french fries), gently suggested maybe it’s time to get off the computer, and given me a safe place to process and scream and cry. The main reason I will ALWAYS look at my time at Scottsdale Bible Church as happy (in spite of all the unthinkable pain) is because it brought me to you. I love you.
We have lots of work ahead of us. I don’t know how much I’ll write – I’m odd in that sometimes the pain makes me write lots and sometimes it makes me unable to write at all. But I have this little space on the internet where I can process and I will most likely continue to do so.
Until next time.
Jen–thank you for being a voice for sanity and for the victims.
As a person who went through my own experience of spiritual abuse and has definitely seen the darker sides of the church, from the inside, I am one of the ones who did not hold onto Christian faith. I was a deeply committed Christian for some 20+ years, but now I am an atheist. I just wanted to say with regards to your point 4–I hear what you are saying, and also it’s okay for some people to lose their faith, to deconvert, and to walk away from Christianity. That happening does not mean evil wins. I am actually a much happier, more well adjusted, more useful and loving human than I ever was when I was a Christian. Yes, of course there is an adjustment period and one feels a big sense of loss, when one deconverts. I just wanted to give a shout out to those who may end up going down that track–it’s okay. There are lots of amazing Christians, and atheists, and people of all different belief systems in the world, and the best people in each of these groups are loving, open, wise, strong, beautiful humans, regardless of their current faith or belief.
Thank you for this, Benjamin. I truly appreciate the perspective you’ve shared here. I’m so sorry you experienced the spiritual abuse you did. I admire your courage and conviction. Peace…
Benjamin I so appreciate your perspective, truly. And I ABSOLUTELY believe that you can be an amazing person regardless of your faith or lack thereof. My only point was that walking away from something you WANT to be part of because of one man is wrong. I am glad you have found happiness and peace – it’s not easy when you’ve walked the road of abuse. I’m so glad you commented.
“The good that God has done in your heart was always about Jesus…” What a powerful witness, Jen. Thank you. Holding you close to my heart as you continue to walk this road with courage and grace…and anger and tears…and the support of so many. ❤️
Stacey, this is a road I would give anything to not be on, but if my voice can help someone else heal, I have no choice but to use it. Thank you so much for you comment and, as always, your amazing support.
Well said Jen. Sending warm thoughts. Keep writing, and running…. they are my favorite forms of therapy as well. Oh yeah, and french fries too. 😉
Thanks, Jennifer! We need each other, more than ever, to bring light to the darkness! So appreciate you!!